I'm going there to find out if I'm really alive."
-Spike
I refuse to be beaten.
I'm sitting here in my tiny room, with my two Target shelves crammed full of stuff, my borrowed bed, my laptop, and a hole in my heart where my cat used to be. I don't have much, but I've had less, and this is enough. Life is what you make of it, and there are plenty of people who would spend days laying in bed weeping at having as little as I have. There are far, far more who would fight and claw and kill just for half of what I have. So it's all perspective. You can look at the distance you've covered, and you can weep for the past. You can look at the future, and start chasing things that may never come.
I've determined to look only at where I stand. This is what matters. This moment. Nothing else.
A lot of things helped me realize this. For a few years I gave up. Really truly gave up. I wasn't happy, I couldn't see a way to get happy, no matter what I tried I couldn't seem to change who I was or where I was or anything that actually mattered. No matter what I did, it was always the same. I was little more than a trophy.
Then I started to change. Some things happened, some things that I thought were wonderful. Some moments that I will always hold on to. I have a napkin that stays in a frame that will always make me smile. A box of scented letters. Some jewelry. Some baubles. A poster and a handful of pictures. These things I look at and I will always look at. I have more I could say on the matter, but nothing else is ever said, so these words will stay inside.
The things that have been done to me in the past year alone would crush many people. Have I been wrecked? Oh yes. Have I been torn apart? Yup. But here I stand, unbeaten. I carry the smiles with me, as they are light, and I no longer carry heavy things.
I'm also looking at the future every so often, but it's difficult. Every time I plan for the future, it just seems to fall apart. Plan to be a writer... falls apart. Plan to have a family... falls apart. Plan to blah and blah and blah and blah. Falls apart. Goodbye, Nebula. So now, the most I plan is three months, and the plans I make are nothing that can't be changed. I have plans to return to that filthy fucking destroyer of dreams of a city to see some of the best people I've ever met.
I have plans to head down to see my dear friend Samala for Christmas, as she is one of the very, very few people I trust enough to let inside and see what really makes me tick anymore.
I have plans to go see Trish and Jared, two who have stuck with me through thick and thin and have told me flat out "No, this isn't your fault" or "Damn, dude, you really fucked up there" and are still willing to pat me on the back, share a drink, and let me haunt their shadow for a while.
I'm currently working on two novels, both on hold while I recover from the loss of my cat, and I'm planning to start working out again come New Years. I've gained weight recently, and I don't like it. It's not me. So I'm going to get rid of it, y'know, as ya do. This is all in my immediate sphere. This is the now.
There's a phrase I used to use a lot. Got me through some times. It's an old Russian thing, and when you consider the mindset of that part of the world, it really comes down like a hammer. The phrase is "This too shall pass." I used to repeat that shit to myself like a mantra.
I don't anymore. I started to think about that on my birthday. I started to wonder, I started to think, and I realized I hadn't been using that phrase. Then it hit me... I don't need to. Yeah, right now kinda sucks, but I'm doing alright. The only thing that kinda sucks is I don't have anyone close to me to share the laughter I want to share. That's it. Maybe that'll change, maybe it won't. Maybe it'll change and then THAT will change, or maybe it won't. The sheer fact of the matter is, I'm comfortable with who I am right now. Right now. I'm not comfortable with who I used to be, I'm not comfortable with the mistakes I've made... so instead of lamenting them, I corrected them. The things I didn't like... they passed. There are still thises that are passing. Soon they shall. But I don't fight through them anymore, I just kind of float.
The sun may be setting, but it is a beautiful view. And I'm alright with that.
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